A difficult experience and what came after

Life before I started

I went to a retreat abroad on a friend's recommendation, without much screening and without telling my doctor.

What I was experiencing

Anxiety and a period of low mood after a divorce.

What I'd tried before

Therapy on and off, and a lot of self-help reading.

What I explored

A large-dose psychedelic experience at a poorly-run retreat. Afterwards: therapy, integration work, and a long pause.

What happened

The experience was overwhelming and I was destabilised for weeks. I want to be honest about that. What helped was returning to a trauma-informed therapist who did not judge me for having gone.

What surprised me most

That the integration work eventually made even a bad experience useful, though I would not repeat it.

What didn't help

Pretending I was fine because I had spent the money.

What I'm still working through

I am cautious now in a way that occasionally reads as fear. Working on the difference.

What I learned about myself

That screening, facilitator training and aftercare are not paperwork. They are the difference between help and harm.

Where I am now

Stable, in therapy, and much better informed. I talk to people who are considering retreats.

What I'd tell someone starting out

Ask who screens you, what their training is, what happens if something goes wrong, and what aftercare looks like. If the answers are vague, walk away.